It's not my body that had to change.

I get so frustrated when it comes to the topic of weight loss and the narrow minded thoughts that come with it. The thoughts that there is only one way to do it, calorie restriction and hours of exercise. I'm not denying that doing both of those will result in a loss of weight from your body but what about the weight on your mind that will bring it all back.

On my journey of becoming a more awesome version of myself, I used to believe that it was my body that needed to change. That led to working out twice a day, starving and depriving myself, just to look a certain way. To feel like I would fit in. That was all that I wanted. To be seen. Visible. Noticed. 

It was a constant battle that took over my life and if you are reading this you know exactly what I mean. 

I was forgetting all the times that my body has been there for me when my mind wasn't. I was forgetting that I am so much more than just my appearance. I had decided that I would let others tell me if I was beautiful or not. I felt like a zombie. Never really feeling like myself. Always in hiding and avoidance.

There was a turning point that came after a really shitty fight I had picked with my bf (now husband). I sat on the floor crying. He didn't want to have sex.

Why would he ? What is desirable about a woman who self bullies, makes snarky comments about others, is constantly trying to people please and can't see the greatness in herself ?

At my smallest, 140 lbs, I wasn't happy.

At my smallest, 140 lbs, I wasn't happy.

I had told myself that he didn't want me. That I wasn't beautiful. That I needed to be something that I wasn't in the bedroom. Over the years, I had learned how to act like I was tough as nails. To act like I was always happy. To be loud and outspoken, never really saying anything that actually mattered to me. This wasn't helping me anymore. I don't believe it ever helped. It only helped me hide the extremely sensitive, kind and caring woman inside. I didn't need to protect myself from him. He loved/ loves me, no matter what I did. I couldn't understand. He is the kindest, most loving man I had ever met. 

I had lost more weight. 55 lbs in fact. ( I was 140 lbs). By "society's standards", I looked great. By my standards, it would never be good enough. My clothes were baggy. I was getting compliments constantly. By my standards, it would never be good enough. I was exhausted. So fucking tired of keeping up the show. 

It was my mindset that needed to change not my body. The thoughts and beliefs that I wasn't what I was "supposed" to be needed to go. Picking myself apart in the mirror and always fussing over any bump or rolls when I sat down was now unacceptable. I was bullying myself. 

It was no longer about weight loss. Obviously, I had made it to a healthy weight in an unhealthy way. It was about learning to love myself before I could let others love me. It is a hard battle. 

 

I believe it is an adventure that never ends.

 

Small steps led to me being more gentle with myself. I knew that my body felt malnourished so I worked on adding in nourishment without going overboard. I really focused in on what made me feel alive and happy, which is where soccer came in. Learning to do things on my own like going to the bookstore / cafe or to the movies. Living my life began to feel so damn good. So much more like me. Who I know I really am. 

I was doing my best to make choices that support my values. Loving myself up with trust that I can do it. Doing my inner work instead of trying to be like everyone else.

I don't want to lose weight for the sake of looking a certain way anymore. I want to have energy and confidence to live my life without worrying about my appearance. I want to be able to think without being blinded by brain fog from fake food. I want to enjoy my body. It's my instrument. I'm going to play with it however I want.  I want to build my strength and power so I can be better for soccer, walking my dogs, and going on adventures with my awesome husband.

To me, this is rebellious. I am working on me for me. Not for anyone else. 

Love, me. xo

Photo credit to Cassie's Camera. Yes, this is my wedding picture. 

Photo credit to Cassie's Camera. Yes, this is my wedding picture.